People sometimes tell lies in everyday situations, not necessarily to deceive or hurt others, but to spare their feelings and preserve relationships. You might, for example, pretend to like a gift you've received even though you don't actually care for it. These small, relatively harmless untruths are commonly known as "white lies," according to Everyday Health.
But not all lies are equally serious. Being less than honest about an unflattering haircut is very different from concealing an affair. Still, discovering that someone you care about may be hiding the truth can be emotionally unsettling, no matter how insignificant the lie might seem.
Why Do People Lie?
Lying is a complex social behavior driven by a range of motivations, says Laura Sgro, a Los Angeles-based therapist. It exists on a spectrum, from relatively harmless dishonesty to deception that can have devastating consequences.
Sgro explains that although a person's intentions do not erase the consequences of their actions, understanding why someone lied, along with what you know about that person and the circumstances, can help put the situation into perspective.
Researchers generally distinguish between two main categories of lies: those intended to protect relationships and those intended to protect oneself.
The first category, known as "other-oriented lies," is intended to preserve relationships, while the second, "self-oriented lies," often has more harmful consequences.
Other-oriented lies, commonly described as white lies, are widespread in social relationships. An example would be telling a friend you loved a gift they gave you when you actually didn't.
According to Sgro, these lies are usually intended to spare another person's feelings or benefit them in some way, and often stem from good intentions.
Self-oriented lies, by contrast, are intended to manipulate circumstances for personal gain, such as inventing a story to conceal wrongdoing.
Sgro says the motivation behind this kind of deception is considerably less selfless. Even when these lies go undetected, they can weaken social connections, partly because people who lie are more likely to assume that others are dishonest as well.
Another form of dishonesty is compulsive or pathological lying, characterized by telling five or more lies a day.
This behavior is often associated with personality disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder, although it can also occur as a distinct condition.
Estimates suggest that pathological lying affects between 8% and 13% of the general population.
8 Tips for Dealing With Someone Who Lies to You
When you believe someone has lied to you, feeling hurt or betrayed is a natural response. Before confronting them, however, therapists recommend several strategies for handling the situation.
Consider the Source
Jordan A. Conrad, PhD, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist based in New York City, explains that when facts don't add up, your first instinct may be to assume that someone deliberately lied to hurt you, prompting an immediate confrontation. Before reacting, however, consider your relationship with that person.
Conrad advises tailoring your response to the individual's character and behavior. A close friend who has consistently supported you deserves a different response from a coworker who routinely belittles you.
Examine Your Own Reactions
Conrad recommends asking yourself a question: How would I have reacted if this person had told me the truth?
This applies to relatively harmless lies, such as someone complimenting a haircut they don't actually like, as well as more serious situations, such as a friend encouraging you to make a bold career move despite privately believing it is a bad idea.
Conrad warns that if you react angrily whenever a friend tells you something you don't want to hear, you should not be surprised if people eventually begin withholding details or even lying to you.
He emphasizes the importance of being honest with yourself about the expectations you place on others.
Document the Evidence
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes someone to question their memory or perception of events.
If you believe you are experiencing this kind of manipulation, writing down your account of what happened and preserving supporting evidence can help you maintain a clear understanding of the situation.
Sgro explains that some people are particularly skilled at undermining another person's sense of reality, making documentation a valuable way to remain grounded in your own recollection and perspective.
Prepare Before Confronting Someone
Before confronting someone you believe has lied to you, identify the main points you want to address and practice expressing them aloud.
Sgro notes that heightened emotions can make it easy to lose focus or allow a conversation to drift away from its original purpose.
Rehearsing what you want to say can help you remain composed and focused on what you hope to achieve.
Show Compassion and Allow Room for Explanation
Remember that what appears to be dishonesty could simply be a misunderstanding rather than a deliberate lie.
If you decide to confront the person, approach the conversation in good faith and give them an opportunity to explain their perspective.
Conrad recommends explaining how you discovered the apparent lie and asking the other person for their account of what happened.
He stresses that serious accusations should be supported by substantial evidence.
Remain Calm and Composed
Even when confronted with a significant lie, try to remain calm throughout the conversation.
The aim is to avoid reacting in a way that leaves you feeling disappointed in yourself afterward.
Conrad emphasizes that your feelings are legitimate and that you have every right to express them. However, becoming overwhelmed or behaving in a way you may later regret is unlikely to help resolve the situation.
Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly
Establishing personal boundaries is essential in any relationship, particularly one in which trust has been damaged by dishonesty.
Sgro explains that setting boundaries does not mean telling others how they must behave, because you cannot control or change another person's actions.
Instead, it means clearly communicating your expectations and explaining what the consequences will be if those boundaries are not respected.
Give Yourself Time to Recover
Lies range from minor white lies to the concealment of important truths, and people's emotional responses can vary just as widely.
You may feel irritated, deeply hurt or profoundly shaken.
Give yourself enough time to understand and process those emotions, whether by writing down your thoughts or discussing what happened with someone you trust.
A serious betrayal, such as an affair, may require considerably more time to come to terms with and to organize your thoughts.
Sgro advises that when dishonesty leaves you questioning your sense of reality, engaging in activities you enjoy can help you reconnect with yourself.
She also recommends grounding techniques, including deep breathing exercises, to help calm the nervous system.
